Within My Heart

I've read before that a good blogger never blogs about blogging. That being said, I'm willing to sacrifice any inner hope I ever had of being a good blogger to say that in my heart, I desire to be a better blogger. This blog has been so incredibly therapeutic for me, and has brought me to meet, both virtually and physically, so many of you, whom I consider dear friends. But you probably didn't even know I consider you dear friends because when I'm in town I don't call, and when I read your blogs I don't comment. Within my heart, I want to be a better friend too.

Growing up I had the world's best friend. She was also my 1st cousin so we were shoo ins to win the best friends ever award. And it was easy being her friend (I'm feeling a deja vu feeling right now, which means I've probably already blogged about this, and if so, forgive me). Because I had a built-in best friend, I've often felt like my friend-making skills never fully were developed and since I genuinely enjoy spending one-on-one time with my husband, so many nights are spent at home, the 2 of us, sometimes Skyping with said best friend, and usually watching a movie on the couch, feeling perfectly comfortable and content. But friends are important, and I know that. Making new friends is such a good idea!

This turned into a rambling of current feelings I've been harboring, and I guess what it boils down to is this...

In 2012, along with my One-Word Goals, I want to:
Be A Better Blogger
Be A Better Friend

And since good bloggers don't blog about blogging, I better get all of my blogging talk done in one blog so I never have to be a bad blogger again. :) (Please sense my facetiousness.)

This blog started as a way for me to anonymously discuss my feelings and experiences with infertility. Then I concluded that anonymity wasn't feeling right because 1. I don't like secrets and 2. I had nothing to hide or be ashamed of. So then the blog was about me, and my infertility. Then, a lot of other cool things happened, and I wanted to share them on this blog, even though they didn't have anything to do with infertility. So this blog became about me, my infertility, and my life. Then I went back and forth about 100 times about the purpose of this blog. Should it just be about infertility? Should it talk about my baby or is that too mean to those who don't have children yet? Should I accept sponsors? Should I advertise on others' blogs? And after all of these questions...I still don't have any answers. Sometimes I think I have answers, but then I just end up changing my mind.

So I guess what I've decided is that myspoiledeggs feels like home to me. And for now it is what it is. A place for me to talk about everything, including infertility, Nolan, and other stuff. And I don't have a clear view or answer as to what exactly this blog should or shouldn't be about, so for now it's just going to be.

I think I'm trying to lower my expectations, and get back to blogging for the love of it, and not to try to be as cool as the really cool people in the world. Because I'm just me, and this is just my blog, and right now, I'm okay with that.

(This is where I'd normally apologize for ranting, and talk about how awkward this post might be for some people to read. This is also where I'd congratulate anybody who actually read the whole thing. But instead of doing all of that, I'm going to skip the apologies and feel good about expressing my feelings, and not feeling pressure by what others may or may not think. In other words, the end. :)

Happy Wednesday!!

Pregnancy, Infertility, Adoption

Even after we were "diagnosed" with infertility, I would have months where I was sure I was pregnant. I would wait until I was sure I wasn't just late, and then I'd take a pregnancy test. Of course, they all said no, negative, horizontal line, etc. I was never really surprised, but I was always heart broken.

This was an ongoing cycle, and about every 2-3 months I'd think I was pregnant.

Then we met Kenz, found out that little Nolan would be joining our family, and I was sure the pregnancy feelings would go away, and in fact I hoped they would, because we knew Nolan was meant to be in our family and I was afraid that if I got pregnant, the adoption wouldn't go through.

Then Nolan came home with us, and 2 months later, here we are today. And my every few months cycle is back in full force. All week I've been feeling pregnant (as if I even know what that means), and all week I've avoided a pregnancy test. Let me be clear, I know I am not pregnant. Let me repeat for those who might be skimming, I AM NOT PREGNANT. Moving on. It's been interesting to have the pregnancy symptoms while having a little guy attached to my hip. It's a totally different feeling. Don't get me wrong, I will always, always, always long to be pregnant and carry a child within me. What's different is my perception of the result.

I know without a doubt that when/if I get pregnant and give birth to a child that there will be no difference in that child and Nolan. None. And that is reassuring.

In fact, the other day somebody said to me, (and I quote)
"I just know someday you'll have one of your own".

and boy was I offended. What's Nolan? Not my own? Wrong. He's totally my own! And Collin's own. And Kenz's own. And most importantly God's own. But certainly my own! And how grateful I am for that feeling, that no matter what happens, if I ever get pregnant or not, Nolan is ours, and any future babies will be ours, whether they come via my womb or the womb of somebody else.

And that, my friends, is the miracle of pregnancy, infertility, and adoption.

Happy Friday.

Baby Nolan

I've been surprised at how much I love being a mom. I knew I would love it, and I anticipated being over the moon, but I never imagined that I would love every minute of it. Boy do I though. I love his smiles. I love when he "talks" to us. I love when I catch Collin and Nolan having a man-to-man. I love waking up in the middle of the night to feed the bubba. I love that he cries sometimes when I put him down and that sometimes he just needs to be held. I love that on the other hand he's great at being little Mr. Independent. I love taking naps with him. I love that he knows who I am. I love that he knows his daddy. I love that he looks enough like Makenzie and enough like Collin to constantly remind me of the miracle that Kenz gave us, and the miracle that God gave us.

All in all, I just love him.






Happy Thursday!

Past, Present, Future

I've been thinking a lot about you lately. That's right, you. My readers. My friends. And in so many cases the people who know how infertility actually feels. I feel the overwhelming need to be loyal to you because it really seems like we've been through so much together. So in a lot of ways it has been really hard to share my son with you. It feels a little bit like I'm rubbing it in your face, or bragging, or joining "the club" and leaving you all behind. It feels weird. But at the same time, this is truly been the best 12 days of my life, and friends share everything, right? Anyway, I haven't gone to the other side, I haven't forgotten what it feels like to be childless or infertile, and the truth is that I am still infertile and will deal with infertility my whole life. Please don't forget that. I'm still the same ol' infertile, sometimes bitter, sometimes optimistic, Ashlee. I just have a baby now. :) This blog will still be about infertility. But for me, my infertility includes my sweet, sweet son. So Infertility Spoiled Eggs will just cover a few more topics. I hope that's okay with all of you. You really are my favorite people in the whole wide world. Your e-mails and comments make me smile every time. I never want to hurt your feelings or gloat about something that I know is so sensitive.

Apology/explanation accepted? Please? :)

I've also been thinking about the 1st week and a half of baby Nolan's life and what the next week and a half holds for him. In his short little past he has been smothered with love from family in Idaho and in Utah. In the present, he is being smothered with love by family in his mommy's hometown, and in the future he will be smothered with love by family in his daddy's hometown. What an absolute miracle! We are so grateful for our Idaho/Utah family, our Eagar family, and are SOO excited to see our Mesa family!

To make up for all of the wordiness above, here are some photos of the aforementioned love smothering!

Happy Thursday!

And That Place In My Heart Was Filled

Nolan Blake Smith
Born on May 21, 2011 (take that, Dooms Day)
7.14 pounds
20.5 inches long
Perfect in every way

Things I love:
*when he gives me hungry kisses
*the sweet smell of baby lotion left on my hands after we've snuggled
*the way his daddy looks at him
*when he smiles during a dream
*his big feet
*how he likes to wrap his hand around my finger when he eats

We are a happy family!

Happy Tuesday. :)

Five Weeks and Counting

Time is going by so fast.



Baby boy is due 5 weeks from Sunday. Five weeks! I've never been more excited, apprehensive, or worried about anything in my life. Being a mom is a really big deal and between Collin's parents and my parents, we have some really big shoes to fill! I feel so unprepared and so anxious.

But then, when I take a minute to rock in my rocking chair, and pretend like I'm cradling baby boy, I get this feeling that everything will be okay, and I know it will be. A lot of things will be different, but everything will be okay.

I'm sure I'll put a diaper on wrong at least once a day
I'm sure I'll forget to give baby enough tummy time
I'm sure I'll be stumped as to why he's crying more often than not
I'm sure I'll get frustrated, scared, and sad

But I'm also sure of 100 other things, like

I know I'll never forget to give baby enough kisses
I know I'll never forget to read baby stories before bed
I know I'll never let a day go by without telling baby I love him
I know I'll never hold baby without being so grateful he's ours

I'm so grateful for adoption, and am so excited to be a mom. Yesterday I had some flashback feelings, and I was stuck in a moment of "what if I'm never a mom" and my little heart broke. I was so thankful to come back to reality and realize that thanks to Kenz, I'm going to be a mommy. In real life! I'm really going to be a mommy! And Collin's going to be a daddy. What a miracle.

Happy Friday everyone.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Adoption Chapter 3

It's about time for chapter 3 of our adoption story. If you missed chapter 1 and chapter 2 go

here
and
here

Chapter 3:

The next day was Monday which meant we had to go back to real life. C went to work and I went to school, but neither of us had our heads in the game. We were more like Zac Efron when his heart was in the song, but not the game. Anyway, C and I texted all day, and at one point, M and I were chatting online and I totally ditched a class in order to chat with her. We were in la la land. We e-mailed, chatted, and texted all day long just getting to know each other and talking about life. We hit it off right away and it felt like this was going to be our baby and our birth mom.

At the end of the day I started realizing that we had talked about everything under the sun, except if M was officially "picking us" to be her couple or not. I didn't want to push it, but I was feeling the need to know one way or another so I didn't get my hopes up just to be let down.

The next day, on Tuesday, and completely against C's desires, I asked M where we stood. She replied with what was the official beginning to our baby journal. She said

"you guys are the couple I want to place my baby with"

And that was it! Things had begun and life all of the sudden had a light, a purpose, and a freshness that it hadn't had before.

The next few weeks consisted of more chatting, e-mailing, texting, Skyping, and talking. Soon it felt like it was time to meet face to face. We crossed 3 state-lines and made our way to M's hometown where we spent the most fantastic 3 days meeting her family, learning all about her and where she came from, and most importantly getting to know our birth mom and some family history of our baby boy.

We learned that baby boy might like bowling




We learned that baby boy might not like to eat his pizza crust because none of his biological aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents like the crust

We learned that be it by nature or nurture baby will likely stand like this


We had an amazing time and we learned above all, that there will always be so, so many people that will love baby boy




Thank you M, and M's family for your love and hospitality. We love you!

Ramblings of a Sleep-Deprived Mother To be

You can tell what we've been eating all day every day. I wish cold cereal had a high nutritional value.

I hope there are still strong people in this world who can listen to Justin and not get Bieber Fever. I unfortunately am not one of those people. I bought 2 songs last week, having never heard him before, and now I know every world and belt it when I'm home alone. In my defense, I only have BF when I hear him sing, not when I see him on TV. There's a BIG difference. Right? {Please say 'yes'}

Chapter 3 of our adoption story is going to come soon. It's harder to write than you'd think.

Spring Break is coming soon, yet not soon enough. I am incredibly excited.

Baby boy keeps getting stuff from people. Aunt M. has bought him more stuff than we have, Grandma S. has given us a jumper swing thingy, Aunt K. and the other Aunt K. have both sent a bunch of stuff our way, and that was just off the top of my 8 o'clock-just woke up-head. Having big boy cousins will be the best!

No matter how hard I try, I can not love school. And believe you me, {what does that even mean}, I have tried.

No matter how hard I try, I can not sleep at night when I start day-dreaming about baby boy, nurseries, hanging out with M, and all of the other fun things that are about to happen.

Good things are happening.

Happy Thursday.

P.S. I'm not really sleep-deprived. It's just that I always want more sleep. If I get 10 hours, I want 11. I'm so hard to please. Sheesh.

There Is Beauty All Around

Do you take your breakfast like this?

Or like this?

I dropped an entire carton of eggs on my floor while preparing breakfast this morning, so frankly just having breakfast on a plate is good enough for me.

I was talking with a dear friend a while back who struggles with infertility. She had just gone through the painful process of IVF and she was pregnant with twins! We were talking about the years of infertility that had led up to her pregnancy and how now that she was finally pregnant, those infertility feelings should be gone, but they weren't. That made sense to me. She was pregnant, and she was having babies, but she was still infertile.

I've been waiting for the infertile feelings to kick back in since the news of our May Baby and they haven't yet. I'm still in the overly excited/scared out of my brains phase. But I know that one day in the future, those infertile feelings will return, if only briefly. And when they do, I will be grateful for modern medicine, and for strong women, which allows us infertiles to have children.

The world is filled with good people. Sometimes we have to look hard to find them, but it is worth the search.

Happy Tuesday.

Adoption Chapter 1

Sundays are always sweet for me. They're a little bit slower, full of spiritual enlightenment, and we're usually enveloped in family love. This Sunday was no different. We had been to 3 hours of church where we spent time worshiping, and gaining strength from those in attendance, and then we came home, had a nap, and made cookies and soup. We laughed in the kitchen together and I especially giggled when C insisted on being the one to make the cookies. He made quite the mess! Flour, sugar, and oatmeal were everywhere and to me it was the perfect scene. We finished in the kitchen, and loaded up our goodies in the car and headed to C's parents' house. We spent the rest of the afternoon and into the evening with brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, and grandparents eating dinner, discussing current events and church/gospel topics, and of course watching football.

At some point during the riveting football game, my phone informed me that I had a new e-mail. I looked at my inbox only to see what appeared to be a filthy spam messaged entitled "couple contact". I ignored it, but for some reason, didn't delete it, and fell back into that ever so peaceful sleep one gets during a football game.

After the game we said thank you and goodbye to our family and headed home. On the way home I decided to call my mom because I hadn't talked to her yet that day and, well, I talk to my mom every day. We had a good chat, and we got to talking about something good because before I knew it, we were home, and still in the middle of a good conversation. C opened the door for me and we went inside. C headed for the bathroom to brush his teeth before bed, and I sat down at the computer to finish my conversation with mama. While talking to my mom, I pulled up my e-mail again and saw that dirty e-mail still sitting there. "Couple Contact" it said, and for some reason I was drawn to it. I actually felt inspired to open it. And I justified opening it by saying to myself "I'm on the phone with my mom!! If this is a bad e-mail I will just scream, tell my mom about it, and all will be well". So I opened it.

"Hey! I read your message & looked at your pictures! I am a 19 year old, expecting mother of a baby boy..."

To Be Continued.....

P.S. Don't forget to enter the giveaway!

What Our V-day Looked Like + Answers To Questions

A lot of people detest Valentine's Day and all of the commercialization that goes along with, but I for one love it. I have my fair share of "wanting to be different" and I have the need to stick it to the man in a lot of cases, but I will never, ever, ever pass up an opportunity to spend a whole day celebrating the love I have with my husband. And the truth is, yes we should celebrate it every day, but life gets busy and priorities get jumbled up, and a day set aside to remember our love is always in order.

There, now that I've justified my love for Valentine's Day, I'll share some of the things we did to celebrate!

These conversation pillow cases were my gift to C.

And when I came home from my late class, there was a note taped to the back door

that requested my presence beneath the Mulberry Tree, where I found this

My Valentine surprised me with a delicious dinner in the most romantic setting, and a rocking chair to rock my baby to sleep in. And the best part is that we get to refurbish it together. We love projects.

We then debated going out for a movie or staying home. We opted to stay in and snuggle and watch a movie.

It was a perfect day. I love C to pieces.

Now...on to some of your questions.

Here goes:

Tons of your are wondering
Is May baby a boy baby or a girl baby?

May baby is also known as Baby Boy. :) We're thrilled.

Those of you who already knew that baby boy was baby boy want to know what we'll call him
Do you have any names picked out yet?

Yes, about 7. :) We're collaborating with M to pick something the 3 of us will love. We're getting closer each day.

Lastly for today, I've had lots of requests to hear the "adoption" story. The adoption story has just begun, so there will be lots more to come, but for now I can start by sharing how we met M, and some of the fun details that have happened so far. That will come tomorrow though, so check back.

Keep the questions coming, they are so fun! And Uncle Sherrod, when we pick a name, you're at the top of the list. :)

Tomorrow: adoption story chapter 1 and a GIVEAWAY!

Happy Tuesday!

May-be Baby?

Meet M.

She's one of the most beautiful women I know.

She's incredibly smart.

She has strength that I will never know.

She has the best sense of humor.

She is super fun and is full of love.

...

And she is carrying our baby.

M has decided to place her baby for adoption and she has asked us to be the family that raises her baby. Our baby!

M has become one of my very best friends and I can't wait for C, M, and me to go through this journey together.

We love M more than we can express and we will eternally be grateful that she is giving us a gift that we have been dreaming of for so long.

We love you M!

Baby due in late May. :)

The Way I See It...

I had a pretty crappy day yesterday.
I usually refrain from such broad generalizations and conclusions, but seriously, it was a lame day.
And then, last night, I got to go to a birth-mother pamper night.
Our Adoption Agency and Families Supporting Adoption put on an awesome night where we all got to dote on birth-mothers just as they should be doted upon!
And suddenly my perspective on life changed a little bit.
I realized how beautiful life is.
And then I came home, looked around, and realized that there really is beauty all around.

I love birth-moms.
I love adoption.
I love when crappy days are over.
I love pretty things.

Happy Thursday.

P.S. If any of you ever see my on the street again **cough cough Shalyn cough cough** and don't say 'hello', you are busted!!

SE GIVEAWAY

Dear readers,

Yesterday was Spoiled Eggs' 1st birthday.
What a year it has been.

January 2010:
Spoiled Eggs began

February 2010:
I started on Clomid and had the. worst. hot. flashes. ever.

March 2010:
I worked in the same office as C and we pretended to be Jim and Pam.

April 2010:
I went on a month-long blogging break. Boo.

May 2010:
I celebrated my mother.

June 2010:
I contemplated why not having kids can be a positive thing.

July 2010:
We started filling out paperwork for adoption.

August 2010:
Spoiled Eggs hosted its first ever giveaway.

September 2010:
We became certified for adoption.

October 2010:
We had Man Week and you met My Dad.

November 2010:
We met 4 MWMW amazing moms!
1.
2.
3.
4.

December 2010:
I was reminded about the blessings in my life.


It has been such an incredible year and I am so grateful to you, my readers.
I look forward to your e-mails and your stories.
I love running into you on the streets (thanks for introducing yourselves)
Thanks for listening to my adventures and thoughts on infertility.

To celebrate the birthday of this blog, I think a giveaway is in order.

Might I direct your attention to your left.
There you shall see a couple of new sponsors.
** Dear other sponsors, I will get your buttons up shortly. Promise.**
Sponsors rock.
They make stuff possible.

This giveaway is from Emily Yeager.
Emily does Glitter Toes.
A must.

Glitter Toes are a gel application that takes about 20 min to do and lasts for 6-8+ weeks depending on how fast your toe-nails grow.

They are instantly dry when we are done and are thinner than acrylic toes.

You get your cuticles all cleaned up and toes shaped in the process.

They come in a collection of colors that you choose and are only $20.

Age 12 and under are $15.

If you host a party of 6 or more, you get yours for free!

And the best part?

The winner of this giveaway will gets yours for free!! :)

So Happy Birthday To You!

To enter, visit Emily's Adorable Blog, leave her some love, and then leave a comment here.

If you're infertile, if you were adopted, if you're a birth mother, or if you're a mother who has adopted children, you may leave 2 comments.

Winner will be announced on Friday, January 7.
Now, go spoil yourselves and enter this giveaway!

Good luck everyone, and seriously, thanks for stopping by and reading.

Happy Monday.