Pregnancy, Infertility, Adoption

Even after we were "diagnosed" with infertility, I would have months where I was sure I was pregnant. I would wait until I was sure I wasn't just late, and then I'd take a pregnancy test. Of course, they all said no, negative, horizontal line, etc. I was never really surprised, but I was always heart broken.

This was an ongoing cycle, and about every 2-3 months I'd think I was pregnant.

Then we met Kenz, found out that little Nolan would be joining our family, and I was sure the pregnancy feelings would go away, and in fact I hoped they would, because we knew Nolan was meant to be in our family and I was afraid that if I got pregnant, the adoption wouldn't go through.

Then Nolan came home with us, and 2 months later, here we are today. And my every few months cycle is back in full force. All week I've been feeling pregnant (as if I even know what that means), and all week I've avoided a pregnancy test. Let me be clear, I know I am not pregnant. Let me repeat for those who might be skimming, I AM NOT PREGNANT. Moving on. It's been interesting to have the pregnancy symptoms while having a little guy attached to my hip. It's a totally different feeling. Don't get me wrong, I will always, always, always long to be pregnant and carry a child within me. What's different is my perception of the result.

I know without a doubt that when/if I get pregnant and give birth to a child that there will be no difference in that child and Nolan. None. And that is reassuring.

In fact, the other day somebody said to me, (and I quote)
"I just know someday you'll have one of your own".

and boy was I offended. What's Nolan? Not my own? Wrong. He's totally my own! And Collin's own. And Kenz's own. And most importantly God's own. But certainly my own! And how grateful I am for that feeling, that no matter what happens, if I ever get pregnant or not, Nolan is ours, and any future babies will be ours, whether they come via my womb or the womb of somebody else.

And that, my friends, is the miracle of pregnancy, infertility, and adoption.

Happy Friday.

Baby Nolan

I've been surprised at how much I love being a mom. I knew I would love it, and I anticipated being over the moon, but I never imagined that I would love every minute of it. Boy do I though. I love his smiles. I love when he "talks" to us. I love when I catch Collin and Nolan having a man-to-man. I love waking up in the middle of the night to feed the bubba. I love that he cries sometimes when I put him down and that sometimes he just needs to be held. I love that on the other hand he's great at being little Mr. Independent. I love taking naps with him. I love that he knows who I am. I love that he knows his daddy. I love that he looks enough like Makenzie and enough like Collin to constantly remind me of the miracle that Kenz gave us, and the miracle that God gave us.

All in all, I just love him.






Happy Thursday!

Five Weeks and Counting

Time is going by so fast.



Baby boy is due 5 weeks from Sunday. Five weeks! I've never been more excited, apprehensive, or worried about anything in my life. Being a mom is a really big deal and between Collin's parents and my parents, we have some really big shoes to fill! I feel so unprepared and so anxious.

But then, when I take a minute to rock in my rocking chair, and pretend like I'm cradling baby boy, I get this feeling that everything will be okay, and I know it will be. A lot of things will be different, but everything will be okay.

I'm sure I'll put a diaper on wrong at least once a day
I'm sure I'll forget to give baby enough tummy time
I'm sure I'll be stumped as to why he's crying more often than not
I'm sure I'll get frustrated, scared, and sad

But I'm also sure of 100 other things, like

I know I'll never forget to give baby enough kisses
I know I'll never forget to read baby stories before bed
I know I'll never let a day go by without telling baby I love him
I know I'll never hold baby without being so grateful he's ours

I'm so grateful for adoption, and am so excited to be a mom. Yesterday I had some flashback feelings, and I was stuck in a moment of "what if I'm never a mom" and my little heart broke. I was so thankful to come back to reality and realize that thanks to Kenz, I'm going to be a mommy. In real life! I'm really going to be a mommy! And Collin's going to be a daddy. What a miracle.

Happy Friday everyone.

Have a wonderful weekend!