Even after we were "diagnosed" with infertility, I would have months where I was sure I was pregnant. I would wait until I was sure I wasn't just late, and then I'd take a pregnancy test. Of course, they all said no, negative, horizontal line, etc. I was never really surprised, but I was always heart broken.
This was an ongoing cycle, and about every 2-3 months I'd think I was pregnant.
Then we met Kenz, found out that little Nolan would be joining our family, and I was sure the pregnancy feelings would go away, and in fact I hoped they would, because we knew Nolan was meant to be in our family and I was afraid that if I got pregnant, the adoption wouldn't go through.
Then Nolan came home with us, and 2 months later, here we are today. And my every few months cycle is back in full force. All week I've been feeling pregnant (as if I even know what that means), and all week I've avoided a pregnancy test. Let me be clear, I know I am not pregnant. Let me repeat for those who might be skimming, I AM NOT PREGNANT. Moving on. It's been interesting to have the pregnancy symptoms while having a little guy attached to my hip. It's a totally different feeling. Don't get me wrong, I will always, always, always long to be pregnant and carry a child within me. What's different is my perception of the result.
I know without a doubt that when/if I get pregnant and give birth to a child that there will be no difference in that child and Nolan. None. And that is reassuring.
In fact, the other day somebody said to me, (and I quote)
"I just know someday you'll have one of your own".
and boy was I offended. What's Nolan? Not my own? Wrong. He's totally my own! And Collin's own. And Kenz's own. And most importantly God's own. But certainly my own! And how grateful I am for that feeling, that no matter what happens, if I ever get pregnant or not, Nolan is ours, and any future babies will be ours, whether they come via my womb or the womb of somebody else.
And that, my friends, is the miracle of pregnancy, infertility, and adoption.