I've been doing some soul-searching lately. It must be the new baby, the impending graduate school debt that will find us soon, a move half way across the country, and leaving family, friends,a and all we've really ever known behind for a few years that has caused my heart to ponder. One of the things I've been thinking about in particular is who I am. There are a few things that are for certain in that category:
I am a daughter of God.
I am a woman.
I am a wife.
I am a mother.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am a friend.
I know these things. Sometimes I know them better than others, but I know them nonetheless. It's the other parts of me that get a little jumbled at times. I went back and read this post from a blog I used to write that I've since neglected. I know tags have been "out" lately, or maybe I've just been out, but either way I haven't seen them around for a while. However, I liked that tag because it really made me reflect on what makes me happy, and being honest with myself. I wrote that one and a half years ago, and my how things have changed. A lot of things have not changed, but some sure have. I think I'll tag myself and revisit 5 things that make me happy, and 5 honest facts about me.
Things That Make Me Happy:
1. My family. Sometimes when I'm around my family my eyes get all welled up with tears and I am full of love and compassion for these people. My family is good. They are good, good people with good hearts, good intentions, and I love them.
2. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Religion isn't some people's "thing". For me, it's my every"thing". Every Sunday I am renewed, and redetermined to be better than I was the week before, and all of that is centered around Jesus Christ. There's nothing better to me than having Him as an example, and a renewed desire to be better.
3. Spending time with my sweetheart, not doing anything. Nobody makes me laugh like Collin. Nobody gets me like Collin. Nobody makes me feel better than Collin. Whether it's a walk around Ikea, or a bed-time conversation after the day is done, being with Collin makes me happy.
4. The thought of moving. I have been so excited for this move for years. Seriously years. We started interviewing at grad schools 3 years ago and we interviewed in Chicago over 2 years ago, so for years now we've known that we'd be leaving Arizona. It's been an emotional roller coaster as the move gets closer, because leaving what you know and love is always tough. But I am excited for this adventure and can't wait to see what Chi-Town has in store for us.
5. Playing. I love playing games, playing jokes, playing with cousins, siblings, parents, Collin, Nolan, etc. I just like the non-committal, low-pressure, play time.
A Little Bit of Honesty:
1. I am terribly dissatisfied with my body image, most of the time. I am not confident in how I look, I'm not confident in how I feel, and I start a new diet most every Monday, and have completely failed most every Monday night. It's not something I'm proud of, actually it's quite the opposite. But I find joy and peace in that list of "Who I Am" at the top of the page. No matter how chubby I get, how crappy I eat, and how badly I take care of myself, I'm still a daughter of God, a wife, a mother, a daughter, sister, friend, and a woman.
2. I don't always like blogging. Last week I went on a blogging hiatus because I had read 1,000,000 of my favorite blogs who are all written by cute, successful, people who seem to have glamorous lives. So I gave up. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to add, and my life sure isn't glamorous, cute, and successful all the time. Sometimes I write blogs for the comments. Sometimes I write to vent. Sometimes (obviously) I don't write at all. However, the times I feel the best about blogging are when I blog with the intent to cleanse myself or to help others. That's why blogging about infertility has been such a blessing in my life. I've met so many wonderful people who have taught me so much.
3. I hate showering. Sick, I know. I'd rather have a bath. Actually, I'd rather not have to do either.
4. I am a curious cat. It's obnoxious. But if I hear somebody talking and I miss a few words, it takes everything I have not to say "what did you say?" even if they weren't talking to me! It's awful. I don't usually care what they're talking about, I just can't not know. It's like what if 10 years down the road somebody asks me a question and I don't know the answer because I didn't hear a full conversation of 2 random people years earlier? Or what if I miss part of a conversation and one of those people dies later and I'm called in to court to testify and I say "I would be able to solve the murder for you but I didn't hear the last part of what they said"? That would be awful! I feel like I've got to stay in the loop. Also, if there's a door or a box or something that people tell me not to look in, I have to look. HAVE TO! Not to be disrespectful, disobedient, rude, or obnoxious or to ruin a surprise. I just...can't help it. Lame, I know.
5. I have huge dreams. I want to be the best mom in the world, the best wife, best visiting teacher, best daughter, best daughter-in law, best blogger, best music therapist, best house-keeper, best everything, I can be. The 'I can be' part is what I'm working on right now. I want to learn that the best mom I can be is totally different than the best mom somebody else can be. And that's okay!
I'm not perfect, not that any of you thought I was. But sometimes I feel like in blog-land we put our best face out there, and forget to let our virtual friends know that we're real people.
I'm now feeling weird at how many times I've said "I". But this was therapeutic for me.
I encourage all of you to do the same. If you blog it or not, isn't the point. But take a few minutes to think about what makes you happy and be honest with yourself. It was a good self check-in for me and I hope it will be for you too.
Bless all of you that made it to the end of this picture-less novel!