If I had a nickel for every time I thought about this blog and my life and how the two of those things fit together, I'd at least be a thousandaire, and maybe even a millionaire. I know so many things, without a doubt and I never question them (what color I want my walls, how much I love Collin, my faith, flower pants) but I am constantly torn right down the middle when I think about my life and blogging. I can rationalize myself into thinking that there's no excuse to not blog. Blogging is so therapeutic for me, blogging has connected me with so many of my dearest friends, blogging has brought me so much hope, blogging is a fabulous way for Noly's grandmas to keep up on his life, it's a fantastic journal and on and on and on. But in the same breath I can talk myself out of ever blogging again. It takes away valuable time I should be spending with my family, nobody ever reads it, Nolan might some day be mortified about all the things I posted on here, I might some day be mortified about all the things I post on here, I tend to care more about material things when I immerse myself in the blogging world, I never feel good enough or accomplished enough when I blog, and on and on and on and on. And I think both sides are so absolutely valid.
I have tried to think about why I started blogging and why I stopped blogging, and what that means..if anything. I started blogging when we found out we couldn't have babies. I stopped blogging when my dad died. Both of those things were traumatic in my life. But I think the difference in my outlook during infertility vs. my outlook during my dad's sickness and death are night and day. I wasn't completely shocked by our infertility diagnosis and I had 100% faith that we would be parents some day. But I couldn't have been more shocked when my dad got sick and died and quite frankly (though I know without a doubt that I'll see my dad again) my faith in the future was weak. I've learned a lot about hope these last few years and even more about faith. And I learned that it was so much easier to do life with faith than without, and that absolutely applies to blogging. So at a time in my life when faith was low and sadness was high, I quit…I plain ol' quit. I didn't quit on the big things like church and family and Collin and Nolan, but I quit every single thing that I could afford to.
In the last 2 years I have given up so many things that sometimes I'm afraid I've lost forever, but in just the past couple of months I've seen a glimmer of hope that makes me think with enough work and love, I can get back all of the things I lost. I think Heavenly Father wants me to get those things back, and I know that if He and I work together I can feel creative again, and I can find time for music and journaling and painting and decorating and exercising and baking and cooking and blogging again. And that's what I want to do, and that's what I need to do, and that's what I'm going to do.
I'm almost afraid to share all of this "I want to" and "I need to" and "I'm going to" stuff because I know that's just an invitation for the universe to shred my plans, but I also know that I have to try.
I'm going to start small. A wall here, a song there, a few more pictures, a few more blog posts, and it'll all be simple. No "go big or go home" attitude anymore. I'm sick of thinking that if I don't go all out it's not worth trying. That's not true and I'm over it. Something is always better than nothing and that's what I'm going to do….something.
I love my life so much. In fact, every day when I pray I can't ever find the words to express my gratitude and happiness with my little family, our home, Collin's job, health insurance, etc. I am happy. I am blessed beyond measure and I could never ever complain about this journey I'm on, but I know there's more, and
not more in a greedy way, but more in a I know that God has plans for me and that I have potential and that I can be better than I am sort of way. I want to get some things back, and maybe even find some things I didn't know I had and I hope to share some of these things here along the way.
So…here's to blogging…again.