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Beautiful Rande with Nolan at our last lunch date before we moved.
Beautiful Rande with Nolan at our last lunch date before we moved.
Hi my name is Rande and I'm infertile. Holy crap I can't believe I just said that. And yes it did hurt a little. However, each time I admit it I do feel a little better. I have just recently been coming to terms with my infertility. I am what some people would call a "late bloomer". Really that just means I don't do anything when most other people do. I live my own timeline. For instance, I didn't date in high school. In fact, I have only dated one person in my whole life. His name is Mike. I not only love him, but I like him more and more each day. He is my favorite. We met almost 15 years ago and have been together ever since. He wanted to get married almost right away. I didn't. Again I have my own timeline. We were together for almost 5 years before we got married. We just celebrated our "decade of awesomeness" in May. Woohoo!!
We knew we wanted to start our family sooner than later. So after a couple of years of no babies I went to the doctor. I was assured that all we needed was to be more dedicated to "trying". Okay fine. So as the years and the roller coaster of life goes on I would think: “are we really actively trying?” Perhaps not. I knew I needed to go back to the doctor, but I really hate doctors. So I put it off. Then I had 7 nieces/nephews born in less than one year. Holy moly. So I went to the doctor. My husband went to the doctor. And here we are. Infertile. Yep. It hurts. I have been very guarded about telling anyone. Who do you tell? How much do you share? Will anyone understand?
Initially, I only spoke about it with my mom who is the strongest and most loving woman I know. I wouldn’t be half the woman I am if it weren’t for her. Oh, and she also had to deal with the crushing reality of infertility. My parents chose adoption as their parental solution. So I’m a double whammy. I’m infertile and I’m adopted. I always felt like I was a little extra special because of it. Which I am. I truly believe I chose to come into this world and be apart of this family. It was my decision. I have been so fortunate to find my birth family. I wasn’t able to meet my birth mother. I was 3 years too late. That’s been really difficult for me. At least I have some really great family that tells me all about her and really loves me. I recently met one of my aunts for the first time. There is nothing sweeter than to have a total stranger run to hug you saying “I’ve waited 35 years for this moment”. It is awesome. All of my family is awesome really.
So as I was going to doctor’s appointments and trying to figure out what we were going to do I saw Colin & Ashlee’s Adoption Page. Immediately I knew I needed to talk to Ashlee. At first I really just wanted to give her my thoughts about being adopted. Little did I know that I needed her. I needed to say out loud “I might not be able to have babies” to someone else who would understand. I am the luckiest girl in the world. We meet for lunch and chat about life, marriage, babies, love, work and giggle just like the little girls we are inside. We have bonded over infertility and adoption in a way I didn’t think would be possible. I was sure that no one would understand how I feel. I am so thankful to have Ash as my cousin and more importantly my friend. The majority of my family does not know what all is going on with me. A select few know everything and others know bits and pieces. It’s been a slow process of how and when to bring it up. Those who do know have all been so supportive and sweet. Which is all I could ever ask for.
We are still working out our parental solution. And we will when it’s my time. Of course, some days are so hard on me I want to stab people. I get angry and resentful of certain people who get to be parents. But on the same note I get so excited for others. I continue on my roller coaster of life. Positivity is the most difficult thing for me lately. So I really just focus all of my positive energy on babies. I’m waiting for my babies to choose me as I chose my parents. Whichever way they decide to come is just fine with me. Whenever someone asks if we have kids I always respond with “not yet”. It will happen.
We knew we wanted to start our family sooner than later. So after a couple of years of no babies I went to the doctor. I was assured that all we needed was to be more dedicated to "trying". Okay fine. So as the years and the roller coaster of life goes on I would think: “are we really actively trying?” Perhaps not. I knew I needed to go back to the doctor, but I really hate doctors. So I put it off. Then I had 7 nieces/nephews born in less than one year. Holy moly. So I went to the doctor. My husband went to the doctor. And here we are. Infertile. Yep. It hurts. I have been very guarded about telling anyone. Who do you tell? How much do you share? Will anyone understand?
Initially, I only spoke about it with my mom who is the strongest and most loving woman I know. I wouldn’t be half the woman I am if it weren’t for her. Oh, and she also had to deal with the crushing reality of infertility. My parents chose adoption as their parental solution. So I’m a double whammy. I’m infertile and I’m adopted. I always felt like I was a little extra special because of it. Which I am. I truly believe I chose to come into this world and be apart of this family. It was my decision. I have been so fortunate to find my birth family. I wasn’t able to meet my birth mother. I was 3 years too late. That’s been really difficult for me. At least I have some really great family that tells me all about her and really loves me. I recently met one of my aunts for the first time. There is nothing sweeter than to have a total stranger run to hug you saying “I’ve waited 35 years for this moment”. It is awesome. All of my family is awesome really.
So as I was going to doctor’s appointments and trying to figure out what we were going to do I saw Colin & Ashlee’s Adoption Page. Immediately I knew I needed to talk to Ashlee. At first I really just wanted to give her my thoughts about being adopted. Little did I know that I needed her. I needed to say out loud “I might not be able to have babies” to someone else who would understand. I am the luckiest girl in the world. We meet for lunch and chat about life, marriage, babies, love, work and giggle just like the little girls we are inside. We have bonded over infertility and adoption in a way I didn’t think would be possible. I was sure that no one would understand how I feel. I am so thankful to have Ash as my cousin and more importantly my friend. The majority of my family does not know what all is going on with me. A select few know everything and others know bits and pieces. It’s been a slow process of how and when to bring it up. Those who do know have all been so supportive and sweet. Which is all I could ever ask for.
We are still working out our parental solution. And we will when it’s my time. Of course, some days are so hard on me I want to stab people. I get angry and resentful of certain people who get to be parents. But on the same note I get so excited for others. I continue on my roller coaster of life. Positivity is the most difficult thing for me lately. So I really just focus all of my positive energy on babies. I’m waiting for my babies to choose me as I chose my parents. Whichever way they decide to come is just fine with me. Whenever someone asks if we have kids I always respond with “not yet”. It will happen.
