Monday, September 20, 2010

Monday-Did You Know?

Picture of my cute husband in the back seat of my brother's car. The sun was beating down on his little head, so he ducked for cover, under his sweater, and I have never laughed harder.

Did you know that infertility takes a toll on marriage? Of course you did. And I think I'd like to retract my first statement. It should say, did you know that infertility CAN take a toll on marriage. It doesn't have to, but it sure can. When we first got the no-kids-for-you news, everybody and their dog kept saying "this will make you or break you". We decided immediately, as in on the car ride home for the doctor's office, that we would not let it break us. And we haven't. This is not to say infertility hasn't tried to break us-we've absolutely had our moments. But because we made that pact, our moments have been short-lived, few and far between, and we've been together through them all.

Breakfast in Sedona.
Recently I've noticed something about our marriage. Something that scares me and something that I don't understand. When C and I are home, life is almost always perfect. He helps with dinner, he tells me I look beautiful, he tolerates my morning breath while I give him good morning kisses, he brings me a towel and wraps me up in it like a small child after a shower, he never ever ever says a word about the house when I let it get too messy, and he tells me he loves me at least 50 times a day.
This one makes me smile every time. I love him.

And I'd like to think I do similar things for him. I pack his lunch, I make his favorite treats, I fold his laundry and hang up his clothes just the way he likes them, I usually have dinner on the table when he gets home from work, and I try to have clean pillow cases on his pillows regularly. (I'm realizing how much more he does for me than I do for him-I have work to do.) And when we're with our family, we are constantly getting told "get a room" or "take it outside" or "don't let my kids see you kissing" or "you guys have got to grow up" because apparently we kiss too much and snuggle too long and I sit on his lap at the wrong times. Evidence below.

So what's the problem? The problem, as I've been noticing lately, is that when we're around people we don't know as well as we know our family, and when I get a little nervous or feel a little uncomfortable, I default to make-fun-of-husband mode or talk-crap-about-marriage mode. What?!! I don't even understand it. Here's my latest brilliant example.

We were out the other night, actually at a church function. We had prearranged to meet another couple there and we were excited to hang out with friends and get out of the house. We arrived 15 minutes late but so did our friends so we were all on the same page and I could just feel a perfect night in the mix. Inserting pertinent information here: you should know that these are new friends of ours-we've been to dinner a couple of times and this was only our 3rd or 4th time to hang out so we're absolutely still getting to know them but we have loved hanging out with them thus far and so we're always up for getting together with them. Done. So, we sat at the church thing til it was over and then we made our way to the parking lot. As we walked out together, the 4 of us made really funny jokes and laughed at awkwardly placed arms in wall-art and we made our way to their car and our Vespa where we were doomed to have the couples version of DTR (define the relationship). This is where we either go out together for some more fun or where we call it a night and go to our respective homes. Things didn't get awkward or uncomfortable but there was suddenly no wall art around to be the butt of our jokes and when I'm around people I don't know super well, I feel like I have to be funny. So, with no art to poke fun at, my sweet husband became the next target. What again?!!! I took a few well placed stabs at him and even a few at the other couple. As I was joking with the other couple and I could start to see it not being funny anymore my heart REALLY wanted me to stop but my brain just kept shooting not so funny words out of my mouth. Why do I have this need to be funny?! I do not get it. In fact I hate it. I started joking about how our marriage is boring, and we never get out, and we haven't done this and we haven't done that since way before we got married and on and on and blah di dee stinking blahhh. Then we all chatted for a few more minutes and for some odd reason we didn't all end up hanging out together - so they got in their car and we hopped on our scooter and parted ways for the evening.

Nearly the instant we started driving I said to my husband "WHAT WAS THAT!?!" He asked what I meant. And that's when I started pouring my guilt-feeling heart out to him.

I LOVE our marriage!
I don't care that we don't go to concerts.
I actually think you're hilarious.
Being married to you is NOT boring!
You're my best friend.

And so on and so forth and then I said, "so why oh why on earth do I feel the need to try to be funny at the expense of you and our marriage?".

Then lots of analyzing started happening. Maybe I'm trying to take the attention off of me (I doubt that, I like to be the funny one remember?). Maybe I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that I'm trying to make others look bad so I look good (who. does. that.)? Or maybe there's not even an explanation for it other than - I'm STRANGE!!

Whatever the heck the reasoning is behind my uncontrollable need to be funny-at anyone's expense I have learned a few things.

If you have the choice to make it look like you have a good marriage or a bad marriage, just jump straight for the good marriage option. Right?! Who would want people to think they have a bad marriage when they actually have a good one!? Don't answer that.

If you start saying really lame things that might hurt other people's feelings and you catch yourself in the act, don't finish your sentence. Just go ahead and make a fool out of yourself by owning up to your random rambling and then stop talking.

Laughter is the best medicine, but the dosage is key. Too much of the wrong stuff makes it worse-not better.

Only say things about people that will lift them up-never tear them down.

Clearly people, I am writing those tid-bits above to be aimed directly at me. I just wrote them in 3rd person so I'd feel better about myself. There I go again. Sweet mercy.

Anyway, infertility didn't ruin us, and it won't ruin us. We have an amazing marriage that I am thankful for every moment of my life. My husband is one of a kind. And someday, I will be really good at showing that-instead of trying to joke about things that aren't true.

And to our good friends J and D - I really like my husband! And you guys! Just so you know. :)

So...that felt good. I got it alllll out. Whew! Wanna know what else feels good? WINNING A GIVEAWAY!! So please oh please see the post below and enter it up. Because even girls who make inaccurate jokes about their husbands deserve to wear Anthro now and again. I hope.

Happy Monday everyone!