Collin's traveling for work and after getting the kids in bed, I've sat down on our old yellow couch with our laptop perched on Grandpa Tom's timeless mid-century table to book flights for a girls trip with some high school friends. To me, all of that makes me sound way older than I feel. Furniture that I've owned for more than 5 years, furniture we inherited from people I wish were still here, a business-trip husband, more than one kid, a weekend away from normal life...I guess I really am 30. As I sat down and opened the computer, the muscle memory in my finger tips took over and immediately opened several tabs at once. That's how it was in the olden days of blogging glory. I'd open one tab for my e-mail, typically one tab for my bank account, a tab for Facebook, my own blog, and then I'd check in on my favorite bloggers. I'd always visit the same 5 or so first, and then 3 hours later I'd visited more like 20-30 blogs and by the time I'd finally come up for air I felt both depleted and inspired. Oh those early days of social networking and thoughtful content that was difficult to achieve and maintain (instagram spoils us) but so fabulously entertaining and connecting, were good days. Anyway, tonight I opened the computer, and without consciously deciding to, I pulled up this blog, something I don't think I've done in nearly a year and a half. I've probably already talked about it but this blog sort of died when my dad did. Maybe the more accurate sentiment is that a part of me sort of died when my dad did, only not sort of, it did. But if there's anything I've learned in my life, it's that death is not the end, death is not final nor permanent, and regrowth, resurrection, second chances and trying again are real things that happen to real people and what once was dead doesn't always have to be. To be clear, I don't think this is a come back. It might be. I might make this a habit, this whole blogging thing, but I'm not committing. I'm here writing again, because as I read the last thing I posted on here, it sparked so many emotions. And my overwhelming feelings weren't necessarily caused by what I was reading, but rather by how I felt when I tried to remember why I used to write. I love writing. I love sharing (on my own terms). I love expressing, releasing, and putting things in their place. I REALLY love putting things in their place. And I think I may have been spending these last few years wondering where the place is for all of my thoughts, feelings, and words, and I think this is the place for them. I think I really liked the idea of my blog gaining attention and recognition and whatnot in years gone by. And I don't think that's bad, maybe it's something I would strive for again in the future. But right now, probably for the first time ever in regards to blogging, that couldn't matter less. I feel like I just want a place for my feelings to land. Maybe I'll never show up here again, but tonight, being here, writing here, feels like coming home.
I suppose future me will want some details, and current me liked the way past me outlined the essentials in my last post, so I think I'll do that again. So here comes a year and a half's worth of life experience condensed into however many bullet points worth of things I can remember.
Collin took a job at Boon.
He has also been teaching 1 class at ASU each semester and loves it.
In January 2017 I had a baby boy. We named him Martin Jack.
Martin for obvious reasons, Jack after Uncle Jack Eagar (who wasn't actually my uncle at all), after several Jacks on the Wright side of the family, and after Hulen Jack who taught me some good life lessons.
Mellee grew up. She's only 3 now (as of last week) but she's every ounce of human perfection in a 3 year old body.
Nolan. Well, I typed his name and then sat in silence with my eyes full of tears and getting all choked up and I can't really even put my finger on exactly why. Nolan is a walking miracle. He's strong, loyal, fierce, he's just full of life. He challenges me. But he loves me, and boy do I love him.
Me...well, I am a full-time mom. I take very little time for anything else and that has begun to show in my stature, my self-confidence, my wardrobe, my intelligence, and my energy. And though it's cliche to say it, I wouldn't change it. I mean, I'd change some of it (my stature and a few other things) but I wouldn't change it if it meant I had to pick a different job or spend my days with different people. I love my people, I love my job. It's hard and it has (and will continue to) left its mark, but I love it.
We are still active members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This, to some, would seem obvious and not worth noting but to me it is something to celebrate and saying it makes me feel triumphant. I've battled trails of faith, I've battled testimony break downs, I've battled watching dear friends leave the church which impacted me way more than I thought it should, so I took some time to do some serious searching and some sincere questioning. And after it all, we are still here. It is still true. Jesus is still The Christ. Are there things I don't understand? YES! There are things I don't understand, things I don't agree with, people who have truly been hurt and wrongs have been done. I don't ever want to discount that, or the experiences of others. But I can say with full confidence that for me, for my family, we will serve The Lord. We are here, we will be here. As I once heard a dear sister say, "I've been out and I've been in, and in is better". Oh how I agree.
We still live in Arizona. A few months ago we took inventory of our belongings and realized we really owned very little that we absolutely NEEDED and/or LOVED. So we got rid of loads and loads and loads of stuff and moved into the "casita" attached to Dustin and Kylee's new build. We live on Fairview Street with Troy and Crystal, Ed and Linda, and Dustin and Kylee. We are about a 15 minute drive to Bryan and Karen's and we see Mom often. Arizona is hot and an architectural drag, but being near family makes up for it.
Sherrod and Sarah moved to Eagar. I was surprised at how much relief that brought me. Sherrod worked down here a lot so we see him often, too.
I miss my oldest brothers but have hopes that summer or autumn will bring us together.
As we've moved nearly 20 times in our 10 years of marriage, it has fascinated me to see which of my relationships last the test of time and distance. I don't fault anyone for the ones who don't, and I don't feel any less grateful for them. But in each place we've lived, we've come away with a handful of people I can't imagine my life without, even though most of them are people we never see, and frankly rarely talk to. But some how that bond still holds, the connection isn't lost, and they still bring value to my life. I couldn't possibly name everybody, but to list a few, Laura from Racine, Nikki and Lo and Myriah and Skyler and Brandon from Chicago, Amy and Lindsay and Uncle Charlie from Kansas, and going back even further, John and Lara from Tempe, Markee and Tami and Kim and Hilary and Jayde from Eagar. It's just remarkable to think about the last time I've seen these people (most of them it's been years) and somehow I still thrive off of their friendship and the lessons they've taught me.
Sheesh. Those bullet points turned into essays. But this was good. For me, anyway, this was good.
I just clicked back to finish buying tickets for my girls trip and my session had expired. Something about that is satisfying. I pushed pause on the to-do list and did something else, and that feels therapeutic. So maybe I'll save myself the $85 and change the name of my blog to Ashlee's Therapy Sessions and see you back here next week. And by "you", I think I just mean me...and that feels good, too.
