Monday, January 17, 2011


{On a Sunday afternoon walk to help clear our brains.}

I learned a few things this past week.

*I've learned that no matter how much I talk to my fish like he's a baby, he's still not going to turn into one.

*I've totally become that person in the room who just wants to hold all the babies. Over the past 2 weeks I've experienced it all; the people who just hand you their kid as you walk into the room because "they know how much you must want to hold a baby"; the people who will hand the baby over upon request but have a very frightened look on their face as though they're thinking "I wonder since she can't have kids if she ever considers stealing babies"; the people who can't wait to hand their baby over to somebody else because they're sick of kids at the moment, and the list could go on and on and on. I can not wait until I am on the other side because I am certain I will be the mom in each of those scenarios at one point or another.

*I've learned that for me there is a big difference in taking offense/being offended and having your feelings hurt. I usually don't get offended, but I get my feelings hurt a lot. I think being offended often involves anger or resentment, and generally I don't get mad at people, or feel anger. But sometimes my heart gets broken and my feelings are hurt which translates into "I'm not mad at anybody I'm just sad" which translates into "I'm embarrassed for being sad and I'd rather be alone all day so nobody looks at me".

*I've learned that the next day is always better. I've had so many rough days this week and my mom would tell me every time "tomorrow will be better" and she was always right.

*I've felt that nobody knows exactly how I feel. Nobody knows how or how much my heart aches every time I see or hear of an irresponsible mother. Nobody knows what I feel like after trying to get pregnant for 3 years. Nobody knows my pain and my desire to raise children. Nobody knows how hard it is to look at the "baby names" list I started in 6th grade. Nobody knows what it feels like for me to cry for 2 hours straight. Nobody knows how it feels for me to not understand why some people can have babies and I can't. Other people may have gone through these things, but nobody knows how it feels for me.

*I've learned that somebody actually does know how I feel. And I am grateful.

I have never felt such heartache as I have recently. I have never felt physical pain over something nonphysical, until the last few days. I have never been so emotionally all over the board, as I have been this past week. I have never been so sad, so heart-broken, so devastated.

It isn't always easy to be upbeat about infertility.
This week it has been hard.
And I want people to know that.
Infertility is a blessing and something that will make you stronger, but it is hard.

But tomorrow will be better.

C and I were discussing quotes to make me feel better last night.
I came up with:
"faith is knowing that someday my heartache will be joy"
C said he read something once that said something like:
"pain/sorrow is just the growing of the organ in our body that has the capacity to love"

Tomorrow will be better.