A Warm House

One of my favorite things (now, not so much as a kid) about being home, is chopping and bringing in wood. My mom's home is heated by one wood stove that sits in the family room and blows heat throughout the rest of the house. If there's not a fire going, we're freezing! The whole 'building a fire to survive' concept is so charming to me and home is just home when there's a fire built. This house I grew up in holds every single dear memory I have for the first 18 years of my life, and so many more since then. This house is where I learned to walk and talk, where I learned to read, to speak correctly, it's where I played with my brothers and built forts out of couch cushions. It's where I had my first cry over a boy, it's where I slept the night before I got married, it's where Collin came to propose to me (though he didn't get the chance, another story for another day), it's where I learned to bake bread and where I learned to make biscuits and gravy, it's the first place I came after Nolan was born and it's the last place my entire family was all together for the last time before my dad passed away. When I step inside the house I immediately feel warm and safe and at home. I love that a flaming fire in the stove is such a visual representation of what it means to be home. I just love being home. 

LOVE this song. 

Missing My Man

I don't gush about this man of mine nearly enough, and frankly even if I never quit gushing about him, it still wouldn't be enough. We've had a lot on our plate recently, and really 'we' isn't quite accurate, mostly HE'S had a lot on his plate lately. He spent 3 weeks out of the country for work, and came home to more work, a wife with crazy house project ideas, people needing him to do this and that, and a lot of church responsibility. He's just plain ol' busy. And then my grandpa passed away (I'll share about this later) and Collin said, go home, be with your mom, stay as long as you need, I'll be fine. And so I did. I left him with projects and lists and assignments from me and everybody else in his life, and came to be with my mama. I've been feeling a little guilty imagining him trying to get everything done and then cooking for himself, doing his own laundry, going to the grocery store and all of the other little things I usually do for him, and while I know he's more than capable of doing all of those things, I really miss doing them for him. There aren't a lot of things I get to do for this man because he's so blasted organized and on top of things, and at the end of the day he's sort of already done it all, but I really cherish those few things I do get to do for him and right now I'm missing doing those things for him. But if I can't be with my sweetheart there isn't anywhere in the world I'd rather be than in small-town AZ with my mom. I just really love Collin and am amazed over and over again that he's mine. 

On Blogging

If I had a nickel for every time I thought about this blog and my life and how the two of those things fit together, I'd at least be a thousandaire, and maybe even a millionaire. I know so many things, without a doubt and I never question them (what color I want my walls, how much I love Collin, my faith, flower pants) but I am constantly torn right down the middle when I think about my life and blogging. I can rationalize myself into thinking that there's no excuse to not blog. Blogging is so therapeutic for me, blogging has connected me with so many of my dearest friends, blogging has brought me so much hope, blogging is a fabulous way for Noly's grandmas to keep up on his life, it's a fantastic journal and on and on and on. But in the same breath I can talk myself out of ever blogging again. It takes away valuable time I should be spending with my family, nobody ever reads it, Nolan might some day be mortified about all the things I posted on here, I might some day be mortified about all the things I post on here, I tend to care more about material things when I immerse myself in the blogging world, I never feel good enough or accomplished enough when I blog, and on and on and on and on. And I think both sides are so absolutely valid.

I have tried to think about why I started blogging and why I stopped blogging, and what that means..if anything. I started blogging when we found out we couldn't have babies. I stopped blogging when my dad died. Both of those things were traumatic in my life. But I think the difference in my outlook during infertility vs. my outlook during my dad's sickness and death are night and day. I wasn't completely shocked by our infertility diagnosis and I had 100% faith that we would be parents some day. But I couldn't have been more shocked when my dad got sick and died and quite frankly (though I know without a doubt that I'll see my dad again) my faith in the future was weak. I've learned a lot about hope these last few years and even more about faith. And I learned that it was so much easier to do life with faith than without, and that absolutely applies to blogging. So at a time in my life when faith was low and sadness was high, I quit…I plain ol' quit. I didn't quit on the big things like church and family and Collin and Nolan, but I quit every single thing that I could afford to.

In the last 2 years I have given up so many things that sometimes I'm afraid I've lost forever, but in just the past couple of months I've seen a glimmer of hope that makes me think with enough work and love, I can get back all of the things I lost. I think Heavenly Father wants me to get those things back, and I know that if He and I work together I can feel creative again, and I can find time for music and journaling and painting and decorating and exercising and baking and cooking and blogging again. And that's what I want to do, and that's what I need to do, and that's what I'm going to do.

I'm almost afraid to share all of this "I want to" and "I need to" and "I'm going to" stuff because I know that's just an invitation for the universe to shred my plans, but I also know that I have to try.

I'm going to start small. A wall here, a song there, a few more pictures, a few more blog posts, and it'll all be simple. No "go big or go home" attitude anymore. I'm sick of thinking that if I don't go all out it's not worth trying. That's not true and I'm over it. Something is always better than nothing and that's what I'm going to do….something.

I love my life so much. In fact, every day when I pray I can't ever find the words to express my gratitude and happiness with my little family, our home, Collin's job, health insurance, etc. I am happy. I am blessed beyond measure and I could never ever complain about this journey I'm on, but I know there's more, and

not more in a greedy way, but more in a I know that God has plans for me and that I have potential and that I can be better than I am sort of way. I want to get some things back, and maybe even find some things I didn't know I had and I hope to share some of these things here along the way.

So…here's to blogging…again.

Valentine's 2014

It was a while ago, but I don't want to forget. Collin and I had such a wondering Valentine's Day. It was simple and pretty text-book, but it was exactly what we wanted/needed and really, just being together made it perfect. I love Collin, I am in love with Collin, and I feel 100% loved by Collin. These are things I don't take for granted and they are things I am grateful for every day. Every day is Valentine's Day with that man, but I'm grateful we got a real-life date on February fourteenth. :)

^^Popcorn and a movie. Homemade treats. Outfit prep. Window selfie at dinner.

Giants

Collin said something sweet the other day about the families that we came from and I couldn't agree with him more. He said, "we are standing on the shoulders of giants". Now don't get me wrong, we don't have perfect families and I know nobody does, but we have families that love each other, that care about each other, that would drop anything to help one another, and we feel so grateful for the families we come from. Collin and I each have one grandparent still alive, both of them are our grandpas on our moms' side, and both of them were born in 1920. These two, in particular, are the giants whose shoulders we are standing on. These men are the epitome of service, hard work, kindness, dedication to God and family, and I couldn't hand pick two better great-grandpas for Nolan. I was fortunate enough to capture a couple sweet moments with Nolan and his great-grandpas recently and these are photos that will hang on his bedroom wall to remind him of the heritage he has and the heroes he has to look up to. We love you Grandpa Tom and Grandpa Sherwood!

**Here's a fun article written a few years ago about Grandpa Sherwood that I love. 

Nolan In The Tub

This boy is so much fun! Truthfully, between him and his daddy, I pinch myself every day to make sure this is real life. I mean any kid who can make it look like he is actually drowning in a sea of waves in the bathtub is a pretty cool kid in my book. Also, I can NOT believe he is almost three. I can not! 

Guest Post: Lara from My Fabulous Chaos

When we first got to Wisconsin, Lara was one of the first people I met. I was instantly struck by her inner and outer beauty and just by the fact that this tiny little thing had 7 children! And then as we got to know their family better and as we spent time in their home, I was even more struck by the love they have for each other, by the kindness and happiness they share, and I found myself craving to be around them! We are so grateful for Lara and her family, and I can't wait for you to "meet" Lara. She blogs over at My Fabulous Chaos, but today she's over here, talking about her family and the little things in life. Thanks so much for visiting, Lara, for being my dear friend, and to all of you who might be reading this...do yourself a favor and go read Lara's blog...every day...it will fill you with joy! 

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Happy day everyone!  My name is Lara!  I am so excited to guest post for Ashlee!  She is a dear friend and I look up to her in so many ways!  I wanted to share a little about me!  I am a mother to seven, married for 16 years!  Our lives are busy, crazy and so wonderful all at once!  I grew up as number two in my large family of eleven children! There were always lots of children around, always a little one that I could help take care of.  I loved it!  I knew at a very young age I wanted to be a mom.  When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, with out fail every time, my response was  be a mom!   Fast forward 23 years and I became a mom!  Our sweet Emma was a part of my heart before she even entered this world.  I loved her before I even met her, I have felt the same way seven times.... and each time is just as wonderful!  I will take all the kids running errands and I get a lot of looks, questions, raised eyebrows.  I greet each one of those with a smile!  Isn't it so wonderful that we were blessed with seven!  Seventh heaven!  Some people see it as a lot of work and I don't see it that way, I find it joyful.  I want to see the joy that is in those everyday things.   I truly believe it is a matter of perception.  I can see the last minute grocery store errand with either a joyful heart or look at it as an irritation.  I choose to love that quick trip to the store, I choose to make it fun and see it as some extra time we got to be together!  I think it is so important that our kids see us be joyful and love what we are doing, that we love them.  Look beyond  the chore and really

see them in that moment~ Find the joy!

Life is not always super rosy and easy! We have our crazy chaos moments in our home too!  Honestly some of the worst moments turn into the best memories!  I will share one quick story with you.  My husband was out of town, my children had the stomach flu...... four of them at once.... it was awful!  I will never forget that night.  I was in the tv room with a few of the sick kids, Emma our oldest was helping Lucy (4) get some water in the kitchen.  Lucy starts throwing up, Emma yells for help, Mikey (10) jumps over the couch to grab a bowl, he slides through the throw up, he starts dry heaving.  Emma then starts getting sick too, when she sees Mikey has now gotten vomit all over the floor! The other kids were yelling to get them to watch out for the vomit!  It was a disaster and now one of the funniest stories that they will laugh about. I always try to remember that in those crazy moments!

 So now that I am in my thirties (YIKES!) and a mom, is it all I thought it would be?  If I could go back, would I change my answer from mom to something different like doctor?  No, not even for a second.  My dreams have come true, being a mom is all I ever imagined and more.  My heart aches with love every day.  I love them more every day, I love being their mom more every day.   Is it hard, oh my yes!  There are days of not showering, days of not eating a "real " breakfast, sleepless nights, messy bedrooms that were just cleaned the day before, meltdowns and arguments with each other.  There are also surprise hugs, stolen kisses, beautiful drawings of their "family", whisperings at night of plans for the next day, inside jokes, reading together, playing together, impromptu dance parties, teenage quick hugs, family games,  and little hands that hold mine.  I see my sweet children growing into these amazing people.......and I think.... hard , oh yes, some days it is hard .... worth it.... oh my, yes  EVERYDAY! 

So the next time you are out running errands or cleaning the house or making dinner, invite your kids, find the joy in it! Make some memories, laugh, dance a little and remember these are fleeting moments!  If you see me out and about with my little family, come up say hi! If I have not showered or have baby spit up on my clothes, just know that as hectic as it may seem, I am living my very own dream come true!

Huge Hugs!

Lara

Happy Winter--A Video!

Sledding from Ashlee Smith on Vimeo.
Music by Mindy Gledhill **Whole Wide World

I've met the dearest friend here in Wisconsin, and we've decided to take over each other's blogs next week and share a little bit about our lives with a new set of people (she has 7 kids and the funnest ideas ever!!!) so check back next week for a guest post from Lara, and in the meantime...stay warm and have an awesome weekend!

Chef Nolan

Nolan is such a boy! side note: One time, a couple weeks after our foreign exchange student, Nadja, came to live with us, I was having real trouble adjusting to another girl living in the house and was a little bit jealous of the attention she was receiving, and in an epic fight, the meanest thing I could think of was to yell at her "YOU'RE SUCH A GIRL!" She looked at me like I was stupid, and said, "of course I am". That was our only fight. So anyway, about this boy of mine...he's so hands-on, and if there's a tool involved in whatever it is I'm doing, he's right there by my side, tooling it up. And really, anything goes with this kid. If I'm putting on make up, he's all about the brushes and if I'm doing my hair, the blow dryer is his bff. another side note: I washed my hair Sunday morning before church and as I was drying it (and in a hurry, I might add) my blow dryer quit. It quit. Stopped working. We tried pushing the red reset button thingy. Nothing. We plugged it into a different outlet. Nada. It turned into a wet bun on top of the head kind of day. And the highlight of being me? I bet nobody suspected a thing because almost every single day of my life is a wet bun on top of the head kind of day.  And probably Nolan's favorite tools are in the kitchen. The kid's a maniac with a whisk, a wooden spoon aficianado, and you ought to see him with my stand mixer!! Anyway...the point of all of this is that Nolan's at an age now where he's not just in it for the looks, he's in it for the real deal and if we're cooking something up in the kitchen...WE'RE cooking something up in the kitchen. He's all hands on deck and he's becoming absolutely helpful. Today I was making us some rice cakes for brunch (2 dead birds right there..BAM!) and Nolan did most of the work, INCLUDING the dishes afterwards (which I will forever more let him think is the biggest privilege in the entire world and which he will continue to believe because, well...bubbles). So to sum this puppy up, Nolan pretty much made me breakfast this morning and then I gave him approximately one billion kisses.

For anyone who might be curious, rice cakes are something my mom made for us growing up, usually with left over rice from last night's dinner. The recipe (sort of, it's mostly just a do it til it looks right thing) is below:

3 cups of cooked rice

4 eggs

1 tsp salt

mix well (you're looking for a batter-like consistency, lean more towards the eggy side rather than the ricey side)

cook/bake them like pancakes

We serve them with butter and jelly on top. 

My Town..Chicago Is

We took a mini little day trip to Chicago for a quick meeting and my city-loving heart simultaneously burst in two, and filled all the way up again. Mercy I miss Chicago. We simply didn't stay long enough, and despite the small and insignificant wager Collin and I had, we didn't see a single person we know on the streets. I blame the most intense rain storm in all the land. Next time we'll stay a little longer and see the people we love, but until then, this little trip will tide us over.